I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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