Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
