Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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