Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Two words: blizzard sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
