Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
