I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
