I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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