I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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