Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
