Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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