there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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