by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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