you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My vagina just recognized that song.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
