i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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