Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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