Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
