He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
