My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
