This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
pray to the hookup gods
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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