fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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