My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
