What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
