I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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