Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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