Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
