You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
