She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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