He disabled his match.com account in front of me
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
