I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
