Will you blow on my dice?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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