Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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