He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I smell stomach acid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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