Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
