I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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