i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
