hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
