What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize