So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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