I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Randomize