I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
