So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
