My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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