OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
