remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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