1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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