dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize