nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
