I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Rumble strips road head = magical
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
