i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
