alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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