im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize