I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
