hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
