it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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