dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
