i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize