I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
